Will I Ever Stop Crying?

Sometimes clinical is a hard row to hoe. I was in a room with my instructor and 2 other fellow nursing students one day watching one of them perform suctioning. Everything was fine. Then the room started feeling a little funny. All of a sudden it was 1978 and I was standing at the bedside of my grandmother. She was dying from lung cancer. Too weak to fight, all she could do was grimace and flinch when the catheter was inserted into her nose. When my instructor turned to ask me a question, he was met with a nursing student who had tears streaming down her cheeks. I felt so helpless. I couldn't even squeak out a response to his question of "what's wrong?" I just nodded my head and waved my hand so they would know to continue on. I was horrified. How could I let myself lose control like that? It was like a freight train coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
A patient on another clinical experience was an older gentleman who fell out of bed. After helping the SN who was assigned to him get him up and settled back into bed, we started talking. He had been married to his wife for 58 years, and she had passed away 6 mo. ago. He started crying. He missed her so badly and you could tell his heart was hurting. We kept him company that day and the next day when I saw him come walking down the hall with his walker, my floodgates opened once again. I don't know if he reminded me of my grandfather (who I miss very much) or if it was because of the way he cried the day before, but I do know that somehow he touched my heart.
I am scared that when I graduate from school and I am set loose on the world, I will find a job and spend my days and nights crying about the patients that I take care of. I don't want to be hardened, but I don't want to be in a constant state of sadness either. Anyone out there that can help me with this? What do you think?

Another Test Bites the Dust!

Oh yeah! Med/Surg test #1....DONE! My grades are not up to par this semester. The last semesters I have had an A average in all of my courses...but it's not happening this time around. I studied my butt off too! Not sure of my grade yet, but I would guess it is in the mid 80 range. Sad to say but I am just glad we have the first test of this particular class under our belts. On to number 2! And hey....at least I am passing, right? That is what I keep telling myself. Now for 5 lovely days off! aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. My instructors were warning us today that we have to cut the apron strings soon, and we won't have them to rely on. One part of me is ecstatic about that, but the other part of me is sad to see it end. I see us a nice little family.
A little retail therapy would hit the spot right now. I'm thinking about buying one of those fancy Keu*rig cof*ee makers. Anyone out there have one of these? What do you think about it? I like the idea of stumbling out of bed and having a steaming cup of HOT coffee in less than two minutes. Between the Hubster and I, we probably waste at least a pot of coffee a day because we both like it fresh, and it seems that unless you make at least 6 cups, it just doesn't taste right. So...now I need to justify it in my mind. I will definitely not be wasting as much coffee, but....the k cups you use for each cup of coffee average about .50 cents. On the other hand...the kids can make tea and hot chocolate too. Ok. Mind is made up. LOL. Just waiting for Hubster to come home to see if he wants to go shopping....lol.

What??

So there was this special on TV last night about these guys who are in love with their rubber "love" dolls. I'm totally serious. They pay thousands for these things. Send 'em in every few years for a makeover and such. It showed one guy cleaning out a rubber vagina with a baby bottle brush because he said it smelled like fish. Yes, I am totally serious. I think it was the freakiest thing I ever saw. WTF is wrong with people? And why in the HELL would they go on national TV and advertise their freakishness?

Deep Fried Brain

My brain is so fried right now. Huge, huge med/surg test coming up in a couple of days and I have been studying alllllll weekend. The sad part of it is that everytime I feel really prepared for a test I don't seem to do as good on it. I think I tend to "overthink" the questions. There have actually been a couple of occasions when I haven't really studied and ended up with an A. So. Hope I haven't screwed it up!
Pretty nervous about my interviews coming up this week. I think that on Wed. I am going to get my clothes ready, try them all on, and practice! I'll just have a little ol' dress-up day all to myself.
My mind is overwhelmed with all the assignments I need to do: 20 page psych research paper, hour long oral presentation for psych, attend 4 AA meetings and do report, one NCIN paper, a bibliography due by Tuesday morning, more studying for second psych test coming in two weeks, med/surg test this week, new clinical rotation starting in two weeks, one for psych, one for med/surg and both of them with clinical instructors that I have never dealt with before. Now, I am not really complaining because I know there are those who have it worse. I also know that when school is over I am totally and completely going to miss it! That's why I am considering starting back in August for my BACHELOR's!!!! We will see. I have to get through this first.

Friends

I seriously don't know what I would do without my friends. My friend A. has been around since I was 20. She is the one who inspired and encouraged me to go to school at my ripe old age...LOL. She has been my cheerleader since day one. She was going to school at the time, and then had to drop out(no fault of her own). I am so proud of her, she had a cheating ass husband, and two beautiful girls. Now she is on her own with the two girls and working a full time job. She wants to go back to school so bad, but her time is a little lacking right now. Plus the dickhead who she used to be married to threatens her with custody everytime she brings up the subject of going back to school. YOU GO A. You had the courage to do what I've never had the courage to do...and you will get there!
I've known J. since I was 16. We've grown apart over the last 10 years or so, but we still keep in touch every once in a while. I love her and miss her. She has had some hard times.
L. is a friend who I worked with for about 6 years. She is one of the most awesome people I know. She has a huge heart and is absolutely sweet. Great morals, great character. Her husband is also a dickhead and likes to run around on her. WTF is wrong with these men?
K. is a friend from work also...I've known her for about 8 years, but my husband has known her since he was a teenager. That girl is nuts. Her crazy assed boyfriend is even nuttier. They suit each other perfectly. We don't see each other often, but she's always sending me dirty text messages with pictures of naked guys...lol.
My newest friend is T. We met in nursing school a year and a half ago. She and I just connected and I don't know what I would do without her. She knows I've been in a funk lately, so last night when we got together to study, she brought me a little pick me up gift....an awesome card that talks about going through things with friends, some chocolate, a candle, and a cool new bag. Thanks T. It's always nice to know you are being thought of. I love all of you guys and I don't know what I would do without any of you. You guys are my rocks! Maybe someday when I am not so secretive, I will let them know about this blog. But for now, it's all on the down low!

Excitement!

Holy Cow!!!!!! I just got a call from a hospital I have been trying to get an interview with for weeks.........AND.......I have an interview set up for the BIRTHING CENTER!!!!!! It is what I have been dreaming and dreaming about! I am so excited! I have 3 interviews the very next day at another hospital for some med/surg and OR units...tried to get in for Peds or Maternal health but NO GO. Then the other place called! WOOOOT! Ok...I will try not to get my hopes up....but it's awfully hard not to!!!!! Maybe this is the thing that will keep me going!!!

Another Test

Oh yeah....here it comes....another big test. Time to spend the next 4 days studying my ass off (I wish). Feeling pretty ambivalent about it....I KNOW I should get busy...but, meh, I'm finding myself spending all my free time surfing the net and spending hours looking at mindless blather that does nothing for me but waste time. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Is this normal? LOL. I am definitely going to study today! We don't have clinicals this week OR next week...so we kinda have a nice little break going on. Only two days of school for next 2 weeks....Woot! One thing I can't believe is how fast this whole process is going by. It seems like it was just yesterday that I got the letter saying I was accepted into the "program." In the blink of an eye...it's almost over. I'm already missing my friends! It's kinda funny....I remember starting out and having to do presentations in front of the class and being nervous, shaky, sweaty...NOW...it's like talking to my family...doesn't bother me at all! Never thought I would see that happen! I must say...going back to school has made me grow in more ways than one. Not just the expanding waist line (HA), but a little bit of self-confidence, empathy, and understanding has been added into the mix. It's heartbreaking when you see your classmates struggling, and devestating when you start the next semester and see the empty seats where they once sat. Because you know how hard it is, and you know how it must erode their sense of confidence. I just want us all to do well and succeed...but I have noticed that some people just don't seem to think like that. It's that competition thing....It gets REALLY out of hand. Has anyone else had any problems with this?

Feeling of DOOM

Ok....so here I am 12 weeks from graduation. This is as close as I have ever gotten to finishing something this important. I've always been a quitter...because I was always afraid of failure. You know how it goes...if you quit before you fail...you're not really failing. At least that was the loop that always ran through my head. But this nursing school thing? It's different. I have got to succeed at this for my own sense of well-being and happiness. But there's this little teeny tiny niggle...way down deep in my gut that's saying...."you're not gonna make it. You're gonna find some stupid reason to quit...you know you are." It's like I have to babysit myself. Be vigilant. I need this so bad. I need some self-confidence...something I have never had...I NEED THIS. I just hope this need is enough to help me make it through and not flush it all down the crapper.

Damn APA style....

Well, I've spent the last 7 hours with one of my classmates trying to write a paper...it has to be at least 20 pages in APA format for our PSYCHIATRIC ROTATION. GRRR! From what we all have heard she is a BIG stickler too. Even common knowledge has to be cited. OK. Whatever. We cited EVERY sentence so far. One thing I don't understand is that it says in our program's academic integrity policy that paraphrasing is plagiarism. However, the APA reference books we have say that it is NOT plagiarism if it is cited...I'm confused. Am I missing something? Anyone out there who can help me out with this? ANYWAY...I think I am going to spend the next few hours trying to pound out this paper and then tomorrow we can both go over it again and my friend can add her two cents. We are doing it backward, as the paper is not due until March, but the synopsis is due next week. We are doing the paper first, as we thought it would be easier that way. Besides, it's nice to get it out of the way, and it gives us lots of time to fine tune things.
I got a semi-job offer this week! After my clinical rotation ended I was pulled aside and asked to please go down and put in an application by the nurse manager of the floor we were on. It's a nice community hospital with a good reputation and I LOVE LOVE LOVE how they run things. The down side is that it is 45 minutes away and it starts out at approximately $1.50 less an hour than the other hospital I have an interview at....BUT....they are looking for people who are interested in moving up the chain of command...so there is a great opportunity for management. The "other" hospital that I have interviews at is also around 45 minutes away in the other direction and the upside of them is that they will pay up to $10,000 of your student loans over 3 years. It is a huge magnet status hospital with level 1 trauma. I might feel "lost"in the crowd there, but the $10,000 in student loan payments sounds so tempting.....! I don't know what to do. For now I will just go on my interviews and hopefully have a chance for a shadow day. Hopefully that will help me to make up my mind. I guess I just feel lucky to have the opportunity to interview...lots of my classmates have already been on interviews at the magnet hospital and most have received job offers. Unfortunately, the hospital that is 5 minutes from my house is laying nurses off!!!!! Anybody out there have any solid advice for a newbie? Well I better get started on my paper...next time I will tell you about the time that I offered to let my male nursing instructor feel me up. Talkatcha later!

Is it really a decubitis?

Student: "Mrs. Smith has a 1 centimeter stage 2 decubitis on her sacral area."
Nursing Instructor (after checking it out): "Well Student Nurse...I think you have made a mistake, that is not a decubitis, it is her anus."
Student: "Maybe we should look again."
Nursing Instructor (after rechecking): "I'm so sorry Student Nurse, I don't know what I was thinking."

BWAHHHHHHHHHHH! (Yes! This really happened.)

Awesome Clinical Day!

Wow...had an awesome clinical day today...I think I got to do more today than I have during my whole school experience! Hung all kinds of IV's, IV pushes, etc. Got some great feed-back from the nurses on the unit, which I must say is kind of rare. Usually they don't like us! I've had them say to one another in front of us that they can't stand it when we are there. But this new hospital we were at was soooooo different! One thing I am sorry about though: One of my patients was going down for surgery...an older lady....her son was trying to bend over and give her a kiss as she was being wheeled out of the room but he couldn't reach her because of the bedrail...the guy wheeling her out didnt stop so the son could really say goodbye. Instead of stopping him and putting the bedrail down, I just let him go. I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM AND LET THE RAILING DOWN! I could have just smacked myself when she was gone. But you know what? The next time I will. That is one of my many lessons for the day.
All is quiet on the home front for now. Sleeping on the couch is getting so freakin' tiring. I can tell he is wondering what's going on...but he refuses to ask me because he doesn't want me to tell him. Does that make sense? See...he kind of knows, but as long as he doesn't ask he can pretend. I wish I wasn't so ambivalent. It's like I am just petrified to just take the leap into one direction or the other....I AM STUCK. Maybe just writing about it will help...

Learnin' those cardiac rhythms!

Today we had a tutorial on reading cardiac rhythm strips....very, very interesting. This was one of those things that I would look at and think "There's no way I will EVER understand this shit!" But guess what? It all makes sense now! See....it's the little things that make me happy. Truthfully, up to this point in the semester it was all a jumble....there's just sooooo much to do. It's kind of like I can't get myself organized or something...plus the added benefit of "senioritis" isn't helping much.

Hubby was nice enough to have dinner warmed up when I got home which was great. He's being awful nice...he always has my coffee ready for me when I get up...he treats my friends great...he does lots of little things that would make a wife go "awwwwwwww, that's so sweet," but it just doesn't erase the fact that I can't stand being around him right now. Most of the time I can't even look him in the eye. I think I am scared. Graduation is right around the corner, I am afraid I will have to make a decision that I am not ready to make. I am also afraid that I will never make it (the decision). Does that make any sense? I'm scared to leave, but I'm scared to go. I still love him.

The crack of.....dawn

Ahhhhh....nothing like having to be up at the ass-crack of dawn to hurry and get ready to sit and try not to fall asleep all day. Not that I don't love school because I do...I really do love it. But damn, I don't sleep well at night and I always get kinda crosseyed and do the headbob thing in class. Good thing we have a smoke break every hour...
Why don't I sleep well you ask? Well....let's see....my mind tends to run on and on, bombarding me with thoughts of doom. Like, what if I don't graduate? What if I fail? Everyone will laugh at me. The in-laws would get a big ol' kick out of that wouldn't they? Will I be able to make a decision when I graduate? Do I want to leave him? How come he doesn't love me like I need to be loved? Did I blow out that candle? OMG...the dog...is the dog ok? OMG...is my kid ok? I hope he doesn't get in an accident on the way home.....and on and on and on it goes. Yep, thats my brain and it isn't even on drugs. I know I have some kind of anxiety disorder and it SUCKS. I also know I am PISSED OFF. About a lot of things. I am mad at me for putting up with things for all these years, and I am mad at him for doing it ALL THESE YEARS. What the hell? See? I feel better already this morning! Gotta go and get ready for class...but I promise I will be back...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Please....STOP the whine!

Do teenage/young 20ish girls actually compete with each other to see who can whine the loudest/longest? Daaaamn, a couple of the youngsters in my class actually make my ears bleed. Good thing they're not my kids...I'm just sayin. My offspring are all boys so maybe I'm just not "used" to it. I want to record them and play it back to them and ask them if they can identify what the hell that noise is that they are hearing.

Hi Yall! New to writing a blog but I am a looooong time lurker! I have a daily list that I work my way through every day. Kinda get a little "jonesy" when I miss out on them! Started my long journey of nursing school way back in 2005, and it has taken me 4 years to get a 2 year degree! But hey, as long as I get there, right? Hopefully I will be graduating in May and finding a job. You know with the big huge "nursing shortage" that we keep hearing about you would think the job offers would be flying my way, but alas, every hospital in a 50 mile radius is laying us off! Just in time to start paying back the student loans! My main reason for being here is because...well...I need a wee bit of therapeutic "venting" to do, and this is as good a place as any. So if you come across here and wonder what the heck is going on...please...excuse my french!